Typically, I do not make New Years resolutions. I am not much for long range planning, particularly when I feel like the concept is being forced on me. But this year, I thought about what I most needed to do, and I settled on extending some compassion in my own direction by learning to be more emotionally present. This is no easy task for me. But one thing that I have had to come to grips with in the past five or so years, is that life is not, in any way, linear. This reality hurts my brain. Because I love order. I love reason. I love for things to make sense. And for a long time, in my life, things did make sense to me.
Then, one day, they didn't.
I remember pushing forty with a newly broken marriage thinking to myself...I don't want to start over at age forty. Start over. That's how I saw my life. Because the artifice of it had been decimated. The house I had built, furnished and lived in was gone. The marriage I had participated in was in tatters. The company we owned was embattled. And I was, in many ways, consumed by the idea that all of this discord was impeding my progress in this life. Not to mention the chaos it was causing my daughters. I simply could not keep up with the daily changes. I couldn't find my footing. I struggled every day to figure out what my "new" identity would be, given that the old one was, for all intents and purposes, gone. I felt like I was falling further and further behind with every passing moment.
Now that some time has gone by, availing me the benefit of hindsight, I can see very clearly that the mistake I was making initially was in believing that the only form of progress in life is perceived forward motion. This is all I had ever known. Get good grades. Go to college. Get married. Have a family. Start a business. Build a house. All these benchmarks of success in American life that I had been hitting in a timely fashion had molded my self image without my even realizing it. And then, out of nowhere, came a curve ball that knocked me right off my game. Or, to be more specific, several curve balls. And I had to stop and rethink my entire approach.
What I know now, is that it was foolish for me to think of my life in such limited terms. People say that age is just a number, and that seems trite. But it is true. Your life does not unfold in any kind of orderly fashion simply because you are a certain age at a specific moment. It COULD unfold that way. Sometimes it does. But its usually more a constantly changing flow of events that are out of ones control. What I learned from my recent difficulties is that it was arrogant for me to even have the thought that I was too advanced to "start over". Because, in reality, we are all starting over, every day. And that is exciting. Because no matter how great yesterday was, (and a lot of my yesterdays were pretty great), if you are reading this right now, it is no longer yesterday. It is today. You bring the knowledge and experience of your past with you at all times, but the challenge is to remain present. To look at what is immediately before you and find the meaning in that moment rather than allowing either nostalgia about the past or fear of what may happen in the future to rob you of the joy of awareness of each day as it comes.
This is not an excuse for laziness, nor a reason to abandon goals. It simply means that the process by which you get yourself to whatever level you seek is the magic of your life. If you get thrown off your linear path, you are forced to become creative and blaze a new trail. No one can take those great yesterdays from you. They are yours always. The trick is to figure out how to weave them into the larger fabric of your life. Because not every day will be great. Not every day will appear, on its face, to be moving you forward. People call these things obstacles and set backs, but in reality, they are opportunities to think about problems in a new way. A chance to expand your mind. A chance to share your burden and give someone else his opportunity to extend you compassion. A chance to be humbled by the universe and awed by the fact that you do not have all (or any) of the answers.
Resolving yourself to THAT reality is probably a pretty good place to start.
BB
Then, one day, they didn't.
I remember pushing forty with a newly broken marriage thinking to myself...I don't want to start over at age forty. Start over. That's how I saw my life. Because the artifice of it had been decimated. The house I had built, furnished and lived in was gone. The marriage I had participated in was in tatters. The company we owned was embattled. And I was, in many ways, consumed by the idea that all of this discord was impeding my progress in this life. Not to mention the chaos it was causing my daughters. I simply could not keep up with the daily changes. I couldn't find my footing. I struggled every day to figure out what my "new" identity would be, given that the old one was, for all intents and purposes, gone. I felt like I was falling further and further behind with every passing moment.
Now that some time has gone by, availing me the benefit of hindsight, I can see very clearly that the mistake I was making initially was in believing that the only form of progress in life is perceived forward motion. This is all I had ever known. Get good grades. Go to college. Get married. Have a family. Start a business. Build a house. All these benchmarks of success in American life that I had been hitting in a timely fashion had molded my self image without my even realizing it. And then, out of nowhere, came a curve ball that knocked me right off my game. Or, to be more specific, several curve balls. And I had to stop and rethink my entire approach.
What I know now, is that it was foolish for me to think of my life in such limited terms. People say that age is just a number, and that seems trite. But it is true. Your life does not unfold in any kind of orderly fashion simply because you are a certain age at a specific moment. It COULD unfold that way. Sometimes it does. But its usually more a constantly changing flow of events that are out of ones control. What I learned from my recent difficulties is that it was arrogant for me to even have the thought that I was too advanced to "start over". Because, in reality, we are all starting over, every day. And that is exciting. Because no matter how great yesterday was, (and a lot of my yesterdays were pretty great), if you are reading this right now, it is no longer yesterday. It is today. You bring the knowledge and experience of your past with you at all times, but the challenge is to remain present. To look at what is immediately before you and find the meaning in that moment rather than allowing either nostalgia about the past or fear of what may happen in the future to rob you of the joy of awareness of each day as it comes.
This is not an excuse for laziness, nor a reason to abandon goals. It simply means that the process by which you get yourself to whatever level you seek is the magic of your life. If you get thrown off your linear path, you are forced to become creative and blaze a new trail. No one can take those great yesterdays from you. They are yours always. The trick is to figure out how to weave them into the larger fabric of your life. Because not every day will be great. Not every day will appear, on its face, to be moving you forward. People call these things obstacles and set backs, but in reality, they are opportunities to think about problems in a new way. A chance to expand your mind. A chance to share your burden and give someone else his opportunity to extend you compassion. A chance to be humbled by the universe and awed by the fact that you do not have all (or any) of the answers.
Resolving yourself to THAT reality is probably a pretty good place to start.
BB
